Substance of Things Hoped For

We've been back for almost three weeks, I think, and I haven't really posted anything about our trip to Ukraine.  Please let me say I'm sorry about that.  So many of you gave your time, bought gifts, made generous donations, prayed faithfully, and I promised to keep you posted, and I haven't done well with that at all.  And it's not because I haven't thought of it.  I've actually thought of little else.  It's just that I haven't been able to sit and write without crying.

There is no way that I could have ever known how deeply personal, how intensely emotional and how heart-stoppingly overwhelming this whole experience would have been.  I knew it would be unforgettable.  I knew I would cry when I first met Sasha.  I knew that when my eyes fell on his face in a crowd of people, I would mark that instant as a gift from my Father in heaven.  I knew our friends Oksana and Ania would be amazing.  And I knew it would be excrutiating to leave all of these people behind and return home.  But I didn't know how much this week would level my heart and bring me to a screeching halt and render me wordless (wonder of wonders).  I didn't know I would feel like I was leaving home and saying goodbye to my children both times I boarded the plane.  Truly, I could not even speak of this week without floods of tears (on airplanes, in airports, even a week later in the grocery store parking lot!).  So I just haven't known how to put all this into words.

But I need to try.

You have all been part of what God did in our family while we were in Ukraine.  So I will begin to try to put into words the indescribable goodness of God we experienced in our trip to Sunshine.

This exact moment, it was a gift from the hand of God.  Each of our moments are.  But this one, it's one I can mark to the second.  Capture in a photo.  Keep tucked in my heart. A perfectly ordinary-looking moment containing the invisible substance of an answered prayer.  

And I recall that "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." (Hebrews 11:1) This moment.  This walking out the doors of an airport amidst throngs of strangers and also amidst long prayed-over friends.  This is the substance of things hoped for in my heart.  This is what faith looks like...

Guest-posting at Project HOPEFUL's blog today. Come on along!

This morning I've been given the opportunity to share a little about our visit to the orphanage in Kiev where the children with HIV or and other medical needs live.  It was truly an answer to prayer to have this open door, and another answer to prayer to be able to take photographs.  There is so much to tell you about our trip, but today, I'd love to have you come on over to the Project HOPEFUL blog with me!

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families."  Psalm 68:5-6

A Growing Season

Over a year ago, I did something dangerous.  I don't recommend you try this at home, unless you're ready for what will happen afterward. Over and over, throughout the winter of last year, I prayed that God would stretch me, take me out of my comfort zone and bring me to rely on Him alone.  And He has.  And He is.

"He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:10

In so many ways, God is stripping away what is me, what is comfortable.  I can look a short ways behind me now, and I see how very much I have always relied on myself.  If I couldn't see the end of the road, I would typically not step foot on it.  But in God's answering my prayer for more unleashing of faith and total reliance on Him, He is calling me and my husband to step out into new places and agree to do more than we could possibly do on our own.  It's a beautiful, raw, unbridled faith-testing, this going into the unknown.  Each step along the way, God is using His Word as "a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path." And He is bringing precious travellers alongside us.

My eyes are opening daily to more and more need.  It is everywhere, in this broken world we call home for now.  The love of Christ for the orphan has taken root in my heart, and over the course of a few years of learning about what the Word of God says about orphans and what my responsibility is to them, I am digging deeper and deeper into the dark places of our world, asking the Holy Spirit to really let me see.  At one time, I lived in my own world, enjoying my own "stuff" and giving my tithes and doing nice things as long as it didn't cost me my own comforts.  I can't see what Jesus sacrificed for me, and see the hurting world around me, and continue to live for myself, though.  It just isn't possible.  Christ poured out His own blood for me, and I have never been worthy of what I cost him.  How can I possibly see those needs around me and not consider them worthy of a cost to myself?

"But the king replied to Araunah, 'No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.'" 2 Samuel 24:24

God is revealing to my heart that there are many types of offering I can make to Him.  My praise in the midst of trials.  Money I set aside for something for me that I can instead use for someone else.  Being afraid to fly over the ocean and getting on the plane anyway, to go where the Lord send us. The willingness to miss my babies for a week to shower a boy we consider family, and who misses his parents every single day of his life, with the love of a mom and dad.

What started as a heart for adoption, a heart for the orphan, is being grown into a heart more burdened by the brokenness in this world... into a heart that knows more about human trafficking and that many orphans wind up in sex slavery all across this planet and even in our nation, because they are easy victims of evil people in a hugely profitable industry... a heart that knows kids watch their parents die of AIDS, sometimes curled up beside them as they succumb to the horrible death AIDS inflicts on its victims, and then wind up heads of households at age 10... a heart that knows there are little babies and children living in this world with HIV who have no family and are considered nothing more than what, in our Lord's time, people considered the lepers - filthy, outcast, throw-away people, and that is not who they are or how God considers them... and I now know these kids can actually be adopted and with meds we have access to here, can live a normal life span.  I am now aware that as my kids splash their summer days away in swimming pools and lakes, there are whole communities dying slowly from lack of clean water.  I know there are little children with empty bellies, and they all have names and faces and stories.  And God doesn't desire my guilt at having health and having food on the table and clean water to splash in, because it is the Lord who blesses us with these things.  But He is clear in His Word that I have a duty, and He has given me a desire to act. 

"Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the right of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82:3-4

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy."  Proverbs 31:8-9

Recently, as I'm drawn more in love with the children in our world and in our own country who are orphans, God is not allowing me to be content living with blinders on.  I can feel my heart seeking out more understanding, and I'm asking God to give me His eyes and His heart and His strength.  

As we prepare to go on our first trip to Eastern Europe, we ask you would be praying for us.  The Lord is so faithful to guide us in the direction of His will.  It's a huge gift from the hand of God Himself to be able to look our Sasha in the face and tell him he is worth the travel and that he is loved by us and by the Lord.  That moment, and all the moments we will spend in his company, are an honor which I am humbled to be able to receive.  There is not a single person on this earth I would rather meet than our Sasha.  Not one.  (There's not an 11-year old girl on the planet who wants to meet Justin Bieber any more than we want to meet Sasha!) I cannot tell you how moved my heart is that God is giving us this opportunity. Wow... am I ever going to be crying tears of joy!

I'd like to also express my deep thanks for all those (some I know well and others I've never met) who have invested of their time, prayers, finances, energy, and words of encouragement to us.  We are going on this mission and bringing you all along in our hearts.  We could not do this were it not for your participation, and God is using every single thing you are investing to not only bless us but to make a real impact on the children and caregivers we will be with this month and on children we are working toward supporting in the future.  Your gifts are going to have eternal impact, and I am honored to watch your hearts in action.   

Please pray that we would be able to accomplish all the Lord intends for us to do.  The trip has grown by His grace into one that is allowing us opportunity to work on behalf of orphans in a number of different ways.  I'm seeing how small my faith has always been, in light of what I'm learning now about growing in my faith to the point that I press in hard toward the unknown and the too-big and the I-don't-know-how.  

"Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin!" Zechariah 4:10

Interviewed on Project HOPEFUL's Blog Today

You've heard me share about Project HOPEFUL and a little about my new role as their Maine Associate, and today I was invited to be interviewed on their blog.  Come on over with me...

A Mama's Tears

With tears, I welcome my children into my life, into this world.  It's just what I do.  I cry.  And I say, "Thank you, Jesus." In fact, my husband had to remind me to wait a few more pushes to start crying over Sagie, because I apparently started crying too soon.  If that's too much information, please forgive me.

It's with certainty that I can tell you, I will be crying in a few weeks, when I first set my eyes on my oldest child.  The one I did not give birth to, but over whose life my heart and prayers have labored for 20 months.  The son who does not share our last name or live in our home, but whose presence in our family has changed us by God's hand in more ways than I can ever list, will quite possibly stand in awe of this red-headed American woman who is crying when she meets him and saying, "Thank you, Jesus" in a language he does not speak.  I'm hoping that he'll see the joy in those tears and be blessed to know how much he moves my heart. 

His photos hang on our walls.  His sleeping bag is rolled up in its case upstairs, alongside Eli's and Lia's.  His fishing pole is in our garage. Our two-year old includes him in the list of siblings she prays for at bedtime. But he is not here.  There are still a few things in bags on my bedroom floor that I have held off mailing to him.  Because I hoped he would be coming here and we could give them to him in person.  

Instead, we will take his things to him ourselves next month.  "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.  "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55: 8-9 

We've also been given some wonderful things to share with our friends at Sunshine, from our local Borders, which is closing.  (More tears.)  We were told that flavored coffee is a big treat to our friends at Sunshine, so Borders has been collecting donations of coffee from wonderfully generous customers, and they have also put together some cool things for the kids!

We're so encouraged to see how the Lord is providing for our needs as we are going ahead on this trip He has called us to.  We have been relying on the Lord for every penny of our travel expenses, and He has provided graciously for all things.  We purchased our tickets last week, and we had five bucks to spare!  Now we're raising funds for our expenses in-country, and we have been blessed by friends giving, either through Project HOPEFUL's "Donate" button up at the top right of this blog or directly making gifts to us for the things we'll be doing in our ministry overseas.  

God is so faithful.  I just want to be sure to say that today.  He is so faithful, and He is always faithful. If there is anything in your life that you are sensing the Lord calling you to do, stepping out in faith, walking beyond the borders of where you are comfortable, agreeing to do more than you can possibly do with the resources you have within your control: go for it.  That's on my heart to share. I don't know if someone reading this today may be hearing all the reasons not to do something being whispered over the call of Christ to step out, but I want to encourage you to say "yes."  Say yes before the money is there, or the house is perfect, or the answers all are worked out.  Say yes, because the One who is calling you out is able to meet each need as it arises, and if you have all the resources and all the answers, then are you really even using any faith?  I'm learning so much about clinging to nothing but my Lord, and He alone is able. 

I have one request of you all.  Would you please pray for us?  This morning I've been reading in Colossians, and I'd like to make this verse my request.  "And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ...Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should."  Colossians 4:3 & 4  Please also pray for Sasha, that his life and his future will be impacted by the message of the Gospel, that we will share with him the love of Christ in ways that meet him right where he is, and that he will know the love of a mom and dad, even though he has had to suffer the loss of his birth mom and dad.  Please pray that we will be a blessing to the staff who work with all the kids, both at Sunshine and at any other orphanage or children's center we will be visiting.  Please pray we will be led by the Spirit in knowing what to say and how to say it at all times, and that we would be wise and that we would build lasting relationships.  Above all, please pray that God will be glorified in every single aspect of our travels and our time.  

Some of you have followed our journey with Sasha since its beginning.  There have been so many tears cried over this boy.  We have come to love him with the love of Christ and with the love of parents, and we know God's plans for him are so good.  I love what Psalm 126 says:  "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy... Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  He who goes out weeping, carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."  The Lord has brought us to the place where the tears will be tears of joy.  We've birthed dreams and we've seen them die.  We've handed back to the Lord those things which we believe He has written on our hearts, and He does what only He is able to do.  He has written for our lives a story we could not have predicted, and it is good.  His faithfulness never fails us.  He is the Lord, our God, and we are honored to be able to serve Him.  

Thank you for your prayers.  God is using you to accomplish His will, and we know we are surrounded by those who love us and who share God's heart for the orphan.  We are eager to meet the caregivers we have come to call our friends, who serve the Lord daily in the fields of the fatherless.  We look forward to reporting back beautiful stories of redemption amidst the hard places.  And we are very excited to spend time in person with our guy, Sasha.  "Thank you, Jesus." (Tears.)

Holding on Loosely

At times, I find my fingers tightly gripping a dream.  The appearance of it is beautiful to me.  It's what I pray for and wait for.

But God wants me to hold on loosely.  The way a dream takes shape is by the forming of His hands, if it is a dream worth having.

I learned this because of a orphan I love.  A boy in Ukraine who is part of my heart's family.  In my dream, we adopt him, and he spends weekends fishing with my husband.  In my dream, he shares the room on the third floor with Eli, and they wrestle with our bulldog together, laughing as brothers.  In my dream, he sits in the chair that has been empty at the dinner table each evening, and on school mornings, I only drink half of my coffee before rushing one more child out to the car on the way to school.

We pursue this dream.  We see in God's Word that He is "A father to the fatherless...God sets the lonely in families."  Psalm 68:5 & 6
That must mean it's God's will for him to be adopted, right?

God is faithful, both in the opening and closing of doors.  God's dream for Sasha is different than mine.  In my loosely holding onto a dream, God has taught me so much about His perfect way of shaping our lives and our hearts.  He has taught me so much about how little I understand and how unequipped I am to be the dream-designer in my life.  Certainly there are dreams I have, because God has planted them in my heart.  But as they grow from seeds, the way they spring to life and blossom is by His design.

God has shown me that He has set Sasha in a family.  He is part of our family by love.  We work hard to love on him and encourage him through letters and by a commitment to meet any needs we know he has.  We remind him the Lord loves him and has good plans for him.  We have promised to remain in his life as long as he'd like us to be there.  God has also set him in a family in Ukraine, at Sunshine, where he has lived for several years now.   Sasha is standing next to the man who has been his foster father in this ski picture.  I loved receiving this, because I am so thankful that he is being loved and cared for within the context of a family and a home.


And God is so good.  He is refining my dreams and stretching my faith all the time.  But even as this is happening, He surprises me with beautiful gifts.  In August, Selden and I will be going to Sunshine to spend time with Sasha and the other kids there.  Some of you sent them gifts this Christmas, as part of the Sunshine Christmas project we did on Facebook!  (See their happy faces, with all the gifts!!!)  We are taking gifts to the children when we go, so if you would like to send something to a specific child (you can meet them all on Sunshine Christmas on Facebook or I can send you pictures) or something for the Center, please let me know.   Please also pray for us to raise the finances for the trip (and if you'd like to make a donation, we humbly welcome that - you can "comment" to ask more info).  We are so excited to go on this mission and meet the children whose names and faces we now know.  They all are so precious!

Even though I've learned to cradle my dreams in open hands, knowing that they are only mine if God says they are and how He says they are, sometimes I know He must be smiling as He hands back to me bits of what I have desperately longed for.

The vision my heart has had for over a year now is one of Sasha and Selden, standing at the water's edge, fishing poles in hand.  (They both love fishing more than anything.)  I've said goodbye to this dream over and over.  Each time I package up things I bought for Sasha to have here and go to the post office, I let some of my dream go.  When I lost my pink fishing pole, and we unwrapped the one we bought for Sasha, because he isn't coming here to use it, I let my dream change shape.  So, I'm really excited to tell you that one of the things we'll be doing on our missions trip is fishing!  I'll take a few pictures of this, because how many times do you get a chance to stand back and look at a dream spring to life?

God wants us to be willing to hand back each of our dreams to Him.  He desires our trust.  He is worthy of our trust.  God is not a dream-taker.  When things turn out differently than we hoped, it is because we can only see things from our limited perspective.  God wants me to chase Him and His will instead of a dream.  When I open my hands and release everything in my heart back to the Lord, He is so faithful to repackage and give back to me the dreams He has created for me in exactly the way He knows is best.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."  Psalm 37:4

Worth Repeating: A Talk With My Dad

(This is a post from a year ago when we were seeing closed doors in our adoption process, but it is something worth sharing again. Maybe it will speak to you where you are today...)

Last night I had such a great conversation with my dad. We've always been a pair who can talk forever, and yesterday was one of those long, precious conversations. I'm blessed that I have a father on this earth who speaks wisdom to me (and wisdom spoken in an Irish accent just sounds that much cooler!). We were talking, among other things, about doors. Specifically about doors being open or doors being closed. In life as well as in adoption, we are constantly moving through these doorways, constantly moving through some process or other.

My dad said something to me that I think is so right on, and I want to share it. He said, "There is as much blessing in a door being closed as in a door being open. God is 'He who closes and no man can open and opens and no man can close.' We often like to think that the blessing is the open door, but it's important to see the gift of the door that is closed."

He also said that our lives are about the process. He has a saying, "It's not what's happening to you but what's happening in you in response to what's happening to you that matters." That God is going to make sure we "go through to get through." That we can't short-cut what the Lord is teaching us and doing in us in the "process" of whatever it is that is going on in our lives. That is so relevant to what God's been teaching me lately, which is to wait patiently on Him. 

One final thing that my dad said was really the same thing that a girlfriend said to me the other day, about God being too big to begin to understand. My friend told me that she often sits in awe of the Lord, not fully understanding Him - and she said that it always occurs to her that if she could understand God, He wouldn't be her God. She embraces in Him what so many won't - He is beyond all things, bigger than our ability to understand, with ways higher than ours and thoughts we cannot begin to fathom, worthy of our praise and trust and obedience. My dad said that same thing, too. He was reflecting on the fact that God's ways are not like ours and His thoughts are not like ours, so if we limit our lives to doing only things that we can understand completely, or that make sense in our minds, we can be relatively certain that we are missing out on some of the things God has for us. It's something to really think about.

Also, today I'm thankful! Thankful for my marriage and that I have so many friends with great husbands who are also amazing leaders, and I want to say to my friends who love to brag on their men, "Thank you, and keep it up!" It blesses me to hear you bragging! So many women show so much disrespect in how they speak to friends about their husbands, and it's a shame. God puts systems in place within life and within marriage to be blessings. One of the things I'm most blessed by is the wisdom of my husband.  I am so heart-led sometimes, and my husband is the most wise and precious and strong leader in our family. He hears my heart, and he loves my heart, and he still follows the wisdom God gives him as my leader, and I respect Selden so much for how flawlessly he leads in our home. I can trust him at all times, with all decisions. He makes me feel so safe that way, and I thank God for that protection He's given our family through my husband. He's so much more patient than I am, and he doesn't worry or waver. He's so awesome!

The other thing that is on my heart today is from my reading in Romans this morning. There are so many of us who are waiting on the Lord to move mountains, to deliver long-awaited promises, to provide for needs that seem overwhelming to our human mind. I was reminded today that our God is the God who does the impossible. He promises, and He also provides. His plan in fulfilling His promises can sometimes stretch out for what feels like a long time in our perspective. Like Abraham and Sarah. He was "about a hundred years old" and his wife's "womb was also dead." "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." (Romans 4:20 and 21)

Our God is not constrained to the limits that are imposed upon us as humans. His resources are limitless.  His knowledge and wisdom are unsearchable. His love for us is beyond our comprehension. And the obstacles that we see do not exist as obstacles for Him. He is "the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were." (Romans 4:17)

Today, as I'm re-posting this, I am praying that each of you reading this will be encouraged in your day, that you will see both the opening and closing of doors as a gift from a God who knows how to give good things to His children, that you would cling to the promises of God for your life, and stand firm in the faith that "He who promised is faithful."  I know some of you are going through times of waiting, times of trials, times of not quite understanding the HOW of the promise God has spoken to you.  Be encouraged.  Hang on to the promise.  

"Radical" Thoughts

"My biggest fear, even now, is that I will hear Jesus' words and walk away, content to settle for less than radical obedience to him."  These words are written by David Platt in his book Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream, but they are echoed in my spirit.  I underline them, because I need to read them again.

I continue reading.  And underlining.  "You and I can choose to continue with business as usual in the Christian life and in the church as a whole, enjoying success based on the standards defined by the culture around us.  Or we can take an honest look at the Jesus of the Bible and dare to ask what the consequences might be if we really believed him and really obeyed him."  

                                                   

God has put a relentless love for the orphan in my heart, and I've asked Him so many times, "What in the world am I supposed to do with this?"  We've worked on adoptions before, and yet we have not adopted. We have a homestudy (again), but we don't have any reason for it (that I can see with my own eyes).  I pester the Lord many days to please show me a way to do something with this passion.  

Two Saturdays ago, I was compelled to pray about my husband and I going on a missions trip to an orphanage.  I prayed.  I checked out some ministries I'm familiar with.  And as a last thought, I send off an email to a couple at church to ask if anything orphanage-related was in the works for missions trips.  The next day after church, they came to my husband and me to say that actually there is just that kind of trip being planned to Kenya and would be officially announced the next week!  

Please be praying with us that the Lord would raise up the exact group He knows needs to be sent. Please pray with us that if God would honor our requests to Him to be included in that group, He would provide the money we need to get the tickets.  So far, God's been so gracious to bless us with some offers for help with our kiddos and also some donations for fundraising.  My heart's desire is to attend this trip, and I know if that's a dream the Lord has planted in my heart, He will show His overwhelming faithfulness in the fulfilling of it.

I'll write more and share more, but please be praying.  There are little ones without mamas and daddies who need to know the love of Christ.  There are babies who don't spend time being held while they drink their milk, because there are too few sets of arms to hold them.  There are buildings in need of repair.  Please pray with us that God would open the doors according to His will, so that if He wants me to be rocking babies in Kenya this spring (while Selden fixes stuff), that we will go! 

Feel the Burn

One of my best friends loves a good workout.  I don't really like any workout, good or otherwise (to be totally honest).  My friend loves nothing more than to work out until it hurts, to feel the burn.  She wants to come away from her workout session knowing she's pushed her body to the point where her muscles have been broken down from the exercise and will need to rebuild and repair and then will be stronger.

Not being one prone to the enjoyment of exercise, I am faced with the striking parallel that my spiritual life is something where I am no more a lover of the workout process.  Fortunately, I value the growth, so I endure the growing process.  And as I've sometimes struggled against the ways God has asked me to grow, over the past year in particular, I realize that I'm becoming more comfortable with the way it feels.

Just as my friend's body responds to the exercise by increasing the strength in her muscles and burning  away pesky fat cells her body doesn't need, leaving her leaner and stronger and more energized, my spirit grows and changes in response to how I handle the weight of my cares and my relationship with the Lord.  I'm learning to like the burn.  I'm beginning to enjoy the anticipation of increased strength I'm developing as the nonproductive parts of who I am are being broken down and stripped away.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."  Psalm 37:7


What strikes me as so ironic, however,  is how often the hardest thing I'm asked to do in order to become strong and fit spiritually is to sit back, rest in the Lord, stand still in His presence and wait.  It feels so much better to me when I can "do" something.  Last year, the Lord provided me with many opportunites to practice stillness, and a very interesting thing happened.  I finally gave in.  I could feel my willfulness and my determination finally surrender.  In my stillness and my obedience, God trimmed away some of the excess, useless stuff in my heart and in my life, and He built up my trust in Him, strengthened my spirit and my faith, and He made me stronger.... in Him.

We have had two adoptive home studies done in the past few years.  The first was for a baby, and when we were called about twins to adopt, the Lord clearly showed us that this was not His will for us.  He closed the door.  That was a February afternoon.  I cried into my hands, with sobs that came from a place so deep that I wondered if my heart would survive the sadness.  But we knew it was the right thing to do, so we moved forward, trusting the Lord.  A couple weeks later, I was pregnant with Sage!  God knew His plans for us.

Right now, we have a completed, current home study once again.  I'm not really sure why, to be honest.  I mean, I know we did it because we were pursuing adopting an older child last year, and the Lord led us to do the homestudy and provided the money for it, so we did it.  And the Lord brought us into a relationship with the child we'd hoped to adopt, which has been a huge gift to our lives.  But the door for his adoption closed.  For a number of reasons.  And we know with conviction that had it been God's will for this boy to be here, he would be, and we also know that there are other ways the Lord will use us as a "family" to him.  So we have committed to be a long-distance family to him, sending him things, staying in touch, praying for him, sharing the love of Christ with him.  We know God has not abandoned him and that he has a big future in the making, because God's plans for him are good, even when they are different than my own.

I've cried about this, too, but the tears are not the same.  This time they are quiet, and as they fill my eyes, I know that while my feelings are ok, I am not fighting against what God's doing in my life.  I am willing to unclench my fingers from their tight grip on my dreams in order to hand them to my Dreamgiver, because my life needs to be shaped by His purposes instead of my own.  The dreams from Him, He will package beautifully and hand back to me when the time is right.

But I keep finding myself pushing the Lord for an answer.  I'm trying to understand the "why" of it all.  I keep thinking there must be some culmination of these experiences, some reason why my heart is completely broken for the cause of the orphan, why we have a second homestudy and no adoption process going on now or even in the foreseeable future, why we'd be led to spend money on something that God didn't intend to use ultimately for an adoption.  I like things to make sense.  I ask God to explain.

And He does something very precious in response.  He quiets my soul.  He reminds me of how good it feels to stop pressing for answers, to stop trying to understand how or why an Almighty God does the things He does in the way He does them.  His voice in my spirit is soothing.  I feel myself relax into the trusting and the stillness and the surrender.  And I am ok with realizing that I am not owed an answer to my questions.  Sometimes God brings me to a place where I can look back and see the way certain pieces fit together.  But my faith is based on knowing that He is fitting the pieces together even when I can't see how.

What it all really comes down to is relationship.  I've come to know God more intimately as I've gone through situations outside of my control.  I've been at the end of my rope, so to speak, a number of times and in a variety of ways.  And He's told me to stop hanging on so tightly to that rope - that it's Him I need to cling to.  There are days my clinging to Him feels easy and comfortable, like my toddler with her arms slung around my neck.  But there are also days where I'm clinging desperately.  The only difference between those days is me.  God is always there.  Always the same.  Steady.  Unchanging.

God also reminds me of something else very important.  He has given me a husband who is an amazing leader.  I can rest in the peace and safety of knowing that my husband leads our family with grace and wisdom and with a relentless strength.  When my heart gets the better of me (as it tends sometimes to do), it's ok, because Selden leads from a much more capable place than emotion.  When I don't understand why God's doing or not doing something, I can let it go, because I know the Lord's leading Selden.  I thank God multiple times a day for the blessing of my husband's leadership.  He is my hero.  I will follow that man anywhere.  I trust him, and that trust lets me live in a freedom that having to understand or control things could never afford me.  The genius of God designed marriage to work that way, and I benefit from it so much.

I'm now thankful for the times I can feel the growing happen.  I know the temporary discomfort is producing good things in me.   Just like my friend and her workouts at the gym.  My faith muscles are strengthened when I am powerless and decide to rely on the only true source of strength.  It gets easier each time the challenges come.  My endurance is greater, because I realize I'm not able to endure on my own, so I rest in the Lord.  The resistance I have to work against produces results.  So I'm learning to embrace "feeling the burn."  

"...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31