Finding Your Value

My writing has been hit or miss the past year.  I apologize.  It's been a year when my heart's been heavy and so many of the things in my mind have felt too personal to share or have been bits and pieces of other people's stories, and I haven't felt it was mine to tell.  So I've been waiting.  Waiting for inspiration or some brilliant thing to come upon me that would certainly be compelling enough to warrant a blog post.

But for the most part, nothing came.

I sat and stared at the screen.  I typed words, and then I hit backspace until the page was white again.  And I shut the computer down.

I've felt a little inadequate sometimes, to tell the truth.

My reality was shattered to bits by moments spent on the other side of the planet. Standing on a hilltop in a Ukrainian village whose name I still can't pronounce, looking past the smoke from burning trash piles to make out the tiny white speck of a building I was told by the boy standing with me had been his mother's home.  I stood there and caught my breath in my throat, because in that moment he stood beside one who desired to be a mom to him and could not be, because of governments and aging-out of adoption eligibility, looking out at one of the remaining bits of visible connection to a mother who had passed away.  And I just have struggled with how to reconcile all this in my mind, even though I know we live in a broken, hurting world.  

I wondered how many times he'd climbed that hill and looked at that house.

His village is a thousand years old.  We were jokingly told we may have been the first Americans to go there.  (I wonder if it's maybe true.)

We ate fresh sunflower seeds, plucked from the gigantic center of a flower he pulled out of a seemingly endless field of yellow.

It's these moments that have sort of tripped me up this year.

But they weren't all heavy.

We had a good laugh that my husband ate the shell of the sunflower seed, and that I ate the skin of a grape (and lived to tell... we Americans... I tell you what), and we all thought it was funny that we were in great anticipation of a small-town parade when we heard horns and sirens ringing out when in truth it was some sort of Ukrainian signal that you could take your garbage to be disposed of.

When I came home I cried.  And I pushed the Lord to please do something.  Anything.  Give me something to "do" so I feel better about all of this.  Give us an adoption plan.  Give me a ministry opportunity. Something.  Something to be busy and to feel productive.

But I'm learning again to quiet that and to wait. And that's not really my strength, but it's something I am developing with practice, this waiting and this patience. (If you haven't yet, I highly recommend NOT praying for patience.... really.  Anything but patience.  There must be oodles of things God develops in us that are more fun to develop than patience...)

And somewhere in the midst of my stubborn nagging of the Lord to let me remind him of his will and to be sure he knew how very good and well thought out all my plans are for my life, He reminded me of something.

I already have something to do.

I already have a ministry.

He's been whispering to my heart about how my eyes sometimes are focused too far out ahead of me.  So I've pulled back.  And I've been renewing my focus on home and family and the things that are right this minute my work and my offering to him.  And all of these things - these children, this man, our home - are gifts to my life from a really loving and gracious God.  A God who gives good things.  Who is good always.

Last night, I went into a small group class at church called Christianity in the Marketplace.  So, yes, I partially went because I was a smidge shy to go into the women's Bible study alone.... I know, I know- I'm too old to be nervous to attend something without a friend.  But there you have it.  It's true.  So I tagged along with my husband to this class.  And you know what?  It was wonderful.

It was relevant for me.  Because I do have a marketplace.  It's my home.  And in that hour last night, as we heard teaching and as I read the familiar passage of scripture reminding me to "do everything as unto the Lord," I was so encouraged to see my "work" in a new light.  I was able to grab hold of the vision that I saw so clearly 4 years ago when I first stayed home full time.  God reminded me that what I do each day in my home, if I do it heartily and for Him, does have big impact and eternal value.

It's easy for us moms to sometimes forget that what we spend our days doing is of great value.  And I think sometimes the most critical voices we hear are our own.  We sometimes try so hard in our own strength to "make" something valuable of our lives and our time, when really, it's already that.  Because each of our moments is a gift from God.  And no matter what it is we do, when we do it fully and joyfully and diligently and heartily and "as unto the Lord," we can consider our days an offering to give back to the One who has given us this gift of today.

Today is beautiful.  I had coffee earlier than usual, and Sage and I made granola bars.  We took coffee to my husband at work.  Then we went to Target and chose some fun things to use making birthday gifts for my mom and grandmother.  Sage leaned her second memory verse of our "ABC's of Scripture," and she recited it while working diligently on her special gift.  She played the metal triangle instrument we found in the dollar section of Target spontaneously at a number of different occasions: to signal nap time, to signal prayer time, to signal that I could give her a kiss. (Now it's quiet upstairs, so I'm enjoying her sleeping after a 3 week stretch wherein I feared she'd outgrown nap time!)

I'd like to encourage you today to see your time and your life and your value as the Lord does.  Right now, today, you are in a place where God will use your energy and time and talents to be a blessing to others and an example of His love in this world.  Have you had any seasons of life that God has used to change how you see your time?  Are there any ways I can be praying for you today?

Reason #359 Why Teenagers Rock

We don't see enough of the good teenagers do these days.

Here's some GOOD stuff teens are doing for others and for God. 

Get ready to smile (and/or cry)...  

Bangor Baptist Church's Thrive Student Ministries serving inner city Philadelphia at Center for Student Ministries (CSM). Video production by Kanishko, who 

Breath of Grace

Somewhere in the middle of all the crazy, the noisy, the messy, the overwhelming, You are there.  You find me, still small, too small for all this day holds up for me to manage, and You offer me Your strength.

Treading hard to keep my head above the rush of current that sweeps me up into moments of relentless trying-hard, You fill my lungs with Your breath of grace.  I inhale the fragrance of Your life poured out so that Your Spirit in me is my strength.  You didn't mean for me to ever try to face the swells alone.  You know I can't.  So You have made a way for me.

Why, so many days, do I press hard through deep waters and carry the weight of this life without You?  Why do I sometimes let my heart feel overwhelmed in the middle of days You've already promised to spend with me? When will I get this grace and faith and peace walk right?

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you."  Isaiah 43:2

You are patient with me, Lord.  You never complain when I need You to teach me the same lesson over and over.  You see the tender heart You gave me.  You know its limitations, and You so gently cover me with Your faithfulness.  You quiet the storms in me with Your sweet voice.  You lead me through the days I fight to conquer on my own, and You love me even in my stubbornness.

I don't deserve You, and You give Yourself to me still.

Please teach me to how to live each of my moments in the fullness of Your grace, to let Your peace and love flood my life, so that all I have to give out is grace.  The burdens I struggle to surrender, the dreams I don't know how to let go of, please help me uncurl my fingers from around those things that I hold onto more tightly than I do Your hand.

Show me how to raise up little lives in Your grace alone and by Your Word and Your Spirit.  I know I have to be good at recieving all this from You if I'm going to be good at giving it to them.  Thank You, Lord, that You give me what I don't deserve.  Thank You for all You've entrusted to my care and promise to help me do for Your glory.

Thank you for helping me breathe in the fullness of Your grace.

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus."  1 Timothy 1:14

A Mama's Tears

With tears, I welcome my children into my life, into this world.  It's just what I do.  I cry.  And I say, "Thank you, Jesus." In fact, my husband had to remind me to wait a few more pushes to start crying over Sagie, because I apparently started crying too soon.  If that's too much information, please forgive me.

It's with certainty that I can tell you, I will be crying in a few weeks, when I first set my eyes on my oldest child.  The one I did not give birth to, but over whose life my heart and prayers have labored for 20 months.  The son who does not share our last name or live in our home, but whose presence in our family has changed us by God's hand in more ways than I can ever list, will quite possibly stand in awe of this red-headed American woman who is crying when she meets him and saying, "Thank you, Jesus" in a language he does not speak.  I'm hoping that he'll see the joy in those tears and be blessed to know how much he moves my heart. 

His photos hang on our walls.  His sleeping bag is rolled up in its case upstairs, alongside Eli's and Lia's.  His fishing pole is in our garage. Our two-year old includes him in the list of siblings she prays for at bedtime. But he is not here.  There are still a few things in bags on my bedroom floor that I have held off mailing to him.  Because I hoped he would be coming here and we could give them to him in person.  

Instead, we will take his things to him ourselves next month.  "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.  "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55: 8-9 

We've also been given some wonderful things to share with our friends at Sunshine, from our local Borders, which is closing.  (More tears.)  We were told that flavored coffee is a big treat to our friends at Sunshine, so Borders has been collecting donations of coffee from wonderfully generous customers, and they have also put together some cool things for the kids!

We're so encouraged to see how the Lord is providing for our needs as we are going ahead on this trip He has called us to.  We have been relying on the Lord for every penny of our travel expenses, and He has provided graciously for all things.  We purchased our tickets last week, and we had five bucks to spare!  Now we're raising funds for our expenses in-country, and we have been blessed by friends giving, either through Project HOPEFUL's "Donate" button up at the top right of this blog or directly making gifts to us for the things we'll be doing in our ministry overseas.  

God is so faithful.  I just want to be sure to say that today.  He is so faithful, and He is always faithful. If there is anything in your life that you are sensing the Lord calling you to do, stepping out in faith, walking beyond the borders of where you are comfortable, agreeing to do more than you can possibly do with the resources you have within your control: go for it.  That's on my heart to share. I don't know if someone reading this today may be hearing all the reasons not to do something being whispered over the call of Christ to step out, but I want to encourage you to say "yes."  Say yes before the money is there, or the house is perfect, or the answers all are worked out.  Say yes, because the One who is calling you out is able to meet each need as it arises, and if you have all the resources and all the answers, then are you really even using any faith?  I'm learning so much about clinging to nothing but my Lord, and He alone is able. 

I have one request of you all.  Would you please pray for us?  This morning I've been reading in Colossians, and I'd like to make this verse my request.  "And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ...Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should."  Colossians 4:3 & 4  Please also pray for Sasha, that his life and his future will be impacted by the message of the Gospel, that we will share with him the love of Christ in ways that meet him right where he is, and that he will know the love of a mom and dad, even though he has had to suffer the loss of his birth mom and dad.  Please pray that we will be a blessing to the staff who work with all the kids, both at Sunshine and at any other orphanage or children's center we will be visiting.  Please pray we will be led by the Spirit in knowing what to say and how to say it at all times, and that we would be wise and that we would build lasting relationships.  Above all, please pray that God will be glorified in every single aspect of our travels and our time.  

Some of you have followed our journey with Sasha since its beginning.  There have been so many tears cried over this boy.  We have come to love him with the love of Christ and with the love of parents, and we know God's plans for him are so good.  I love what Psalm 126 says:  "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy... Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  He who goes out weeping, carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."  The Lord has brought us to the place where the tears will be tears of joy.  We've birthed dreams and we've seen them die.  We've handed back to the Lord those things which we believe He has written on our hearts, and He does what only He is able to do.  He has written for our lives a story we could not have predicted, and it is good.  His faithfulness never fails us.  He is the Lord, our God, and we are honored to be able to serve Him.  

Thank you for your prayers.  God is using you to accomplish His will, and we know we are surrounded by those who love us and who share God's heart for the orphan.  We are eager to meet the caregivers we have come to call our friends, who serve the Lord daily in the fields of the fatherless.  We look forward to reporting back beautiful stories of redemption amidst the hard places.  And we are very excited to spend time in person with our guy, Sasha.  "Thank you, Jesus." (Tears.)

Why "there" when there's so much need "here"?

My grandmother and I are talking about the gifts.  We're talking about how she could mention to her girlfriends that if they'd like to buy a small gift for one of the children we'll be visiting at the center in Ukraine, and I'll give her some photos to show them, so they can see the kids.  We talk about how it's so important for a child who has lost everything - sometimes more than once - to have a little something that is just theirs.

She tells me that she has enjoyed the shoebox projects her church does at Christmas, but that a lot of people ask her, "Why do you send things to kids in other countries when their are so many needy kids here?" She doesn't really have an answer, except that she enjoys it.  But I can tell she wants an answer, as I think she feels a little anticipation of these questions coming up again.  

We talk more.  About Jesus and children and gifts. About needs so great.  And us, so small.

The question is valid, though, and I think it's important to talk about all these things, when we talk about missions and ministry and giving and orphan care.  I hear this question worded in different ways. "Why would they adopt from another country when there are so many children here?" "Why would they adopt a child with severe special needs, when there are healthy children who need a home?"  "Why did they want to have a foster child, when they could have adopted a baby, without all that baggage?"  "Why would you help kids far away, when there are so many poor children in our own communities?"  

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but the only thing that continually comes to mind when I hear these questions is that the needs are so great..... so great.  Way beyond what any one of us could possibly meet.  And the Lord loves each of these little ones so incredibly.  And there is truth in each of these questions.  There are so many children - little ones, bigger ones - who all have needs that sting my heart. And I'm so thankful that we serve a God who calls each of us to unique areas of service, so that, hopefully, we are all together working as the body of Christ to do what we can to reach this hurting world with the love of Jesus.  

And I'm encouraged when I step back and see a larger picture of what is happening around me.  I have friends who have adopted from foster care and others who've adopted babies of all different colors as infants, and I have friends who've travelled the globe against all earthly odds to bring children home when governments and embassies have been difficult to work with.  I have friends who have had adoptions fall apart time and again, but who've continued on in faith that God is in control, even through tremendous grief and broken hearts.  And I have friends I have not yet met who give their lives daily to rescuing children from the streets of Eastern Europe and taking care of them.  I know a man who set up a house in a whole different country just so that kids there would be safe.  And I am getting to know friends who've stared down stigmas and fear and lies to bring home children who would have died of AIDS if left in other countries, but who are able to be safe and healthy and live great lives in the U.S. because we have the medicine they need and the families they need.  I have a childhood friend who works to fight human trafficking.  Each of us can do something.  God will show us each what that is.  And that feels like hope.

And all these children are precious.  Each of them is of indescribable value to the Lord.  And they each do have needs.  And as God's people, we have to ask Him how He wants each of us to be working to meet those needs.  We are not all called to do the same thing.  But I believe we have to be honest enough to ask the Lord His heart for us, and we have to be willing to expose our own hearts to the hard things and the hard places.  Sometimes that means going.  Sometimes it means staying.  Sometimes it means seeing needs and not understanding why they are not met yet.  And it means trusting that the God we serve is able to redeem the broken pieces and create beauty from ashes.  But I don't believe it's God's will for any child to be an orphan.  It's a sad fact of living in a broken world, but it's not ok.  And I don't care where the children live, they move my heart. 

I can't really get my head around the magnitude of need in our world...In our own back yards or across the planet.  So I start where I can.  And there is no value to be placed differently among children based on their geographic location.  If you have a heart to serve, the Lord will show you where your life and your love and your time are needed.

For us, God has given us a relationship with a boy halfway around the world.  And we've been blessed to call him "son," even though he is not with us in person.  One thing that is true, no matter where we serve is that relationship and consistency are the keys.  Also, I'm learning over and over again that we have to be continually asking the Lord and asking the people who know more than we do, "How we can best help?"  

We're approaching the Ukraine orphan care work with that attitude of "Show us how, Lord."  We are working to have authentic dialogue with people who are currently in the trenches of orphan care in Ukraine, who know where the needs are and who have incredible insight into how we can come alongside and offer support. So please keep praying with us that God will continue to reveal His plans and His will to us as we are working to understand the best way to care for orphans.  

Would you like to give a small gift to an orphan in Ukraine?  Let me know, and I'll tell you about the kids who still need someone to give to them!  And I'll be sure to share photos with you.  You can also make a donation through the Donate button at the top of the page, and help through Project HOPEFUL - we're raising money to do some special things for the children while we're there.  It's really exciting!

I am praying also for you, that you'll be encouraged in your own life as you see needs and work to meet them in the name of Jesus.  If you would like to share about how God's stirring your heart into action and where you are called to serve, I would love to have you leave a comment and tell me about it. It's so encouraging to hear about what each of you is doing! 

"May the God of all peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus...equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen."  

Hebrews 13:20-21

If Only I Loved Swimming: Thoughts from the Edge of the Diving Board

When I was a little girl, I loved to swim.  Up to the edge of the diving board I would walk, letting my toes linger briefly at the edge.  My mom taught me how to stretch my arms up high and bend toward the water, so I could slice right through the surface. Eventually I became more comfortable at the end of the board, and I wanted to feel the movement of the board under my little body.  I wanted to dive "big." Standing there, arms locked tight beside my ears, fingers pointed, I loved to spring off the board and try to swim the whole length of the pool before coming up for air.

At the ocean, my dad and I would wade slowly out into the icy Atlantic surf at Acadia.  Sometimes we'd stand still, feeling the sand rushing out from beneath our feet each time the waves pulled away from the shore.  My dad and I would swim together in that water, only coming out when we couldn't even feel our skin anymore for the cold.

Now I'm a grown-up, and I don't love swimming.  Now, I prefer to sit in a beach chair with a good book, watching the kids play in the water.  I don't think being flung from the end of a diving board into a bunch of chlorinated pool water sounds like fun (or like a good idea for preserving my hair color).  Freezing half to death in the ocean, where I might be unfortunate enough to run into a jelly fish - and I'll definitely be unfortunate enough to have bits of sand sticking to me for days - is not my idea of a good time.

And that's ok.  As long as we're talking about swimming.

But what about my faith?  I want to be someone who gets to the edge and jumps.  I want my jumping to be fearless and for there to be no lingering at the edge of my comfort zone.  When the sway of uncertainty is under my feet and growing with each step, I don't want to hesitate before stretching my arms up heavenward and diving in.

What I notice about myself is that it's not the jumping part that I'm afraid of.  It's the landing.  Specifically it's the not-knowing-where-I'm-landing part.  A lot of times, I know what God's asking me to do, but I really struggle when I don't know the "how" part of His plan.  God's reminding me daily that He is telling me the "what," but I won't know the "how" until I leave the diving board.

Where is the line of trust drawn?  Do I have a place I'll follow Jesus up to, but to go beyond that is too far? Will I only stand up to my ankles at the edge of the expanse of what God's preparing for my life, or will I rush in, even when the sand is slipping from beneath my feet and the water's really cold?

I'm asking God to fill me with the kind of faith that never pauses before leaping.  I really want it to be something that happens without the requirement of leaping first, but that isn't how faith works.  So I'm standing at the edge, and sometimes I close my eyes, because I don't dare to look.  I just have to jump.

Once in a while, my dive is graceful and sure.  Other times, I jump reluctantly, as though I'm unsure if there's even water in the pool.  There are even moments I know I've sat in my chair when I should have been swimming.  I wonder what I've missed.

God is calling us to get in the water.  What if we all held on loosely to what we have, to where we are comfortable, to our financial security, to our agendas?  I've heard the phrase "give until it hurts" several times recently, and I don't know if I've ever done that.  I've thought of the rich man in Mark 10 who was told by Jesus, "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven."  He walked away, because he only wanted Jesus as long as it didn't cost him too much.


Today, I'm praying that all of us will be taking more steps in faith and fewer in fear and that we will be people who show our love by our obedience, whatever the cost.  I'm asking God to keep giving me reasons to get back on that diving board, so I can eventually be good at diving headfirst, fearlessly and "big" into His will and even try swimming for a while before coming up for air.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

"We live by faith and not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

"For Christ's love compels us... And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again." 2 Corinthians 5:14a & 15

If you want to move more fearlessly into the adventure God's designed you to live, and you want to be inspired to stretch your faith, read this book!

Spiritual Growth, Karate Kid Style

I confess:  as a kid, I was a huge Karate Kid fan.  It's true.  I can still hear Bananarama now...

One thing that always bugged me about the movie was how long it seemed to take Mr. Miagi to teach Daniel just what the heck he was supposed to be doing.  It just didn't seem to make any sense.  I was so frustrated every time I had to watch the whole confusing "wax on, wax off," "paint the fence," "sand the floor" sequence.  I just wanted to get to the part where Daniel was kicking some Cobra butt!

For the past year, I've been noticing that God's been walking me through some rather tedious growing experiences.  I journal about my prayers and what I see the Lord doing in my life - the places I'm struggling to understand Him, the things I find myself fighting about with Him, the stubbornness I notice cropping up in myself.  And the faithfulness He shows in response.

Many times this past year, God has asked me to wait.  For all sorts of things.  For all kinds of reasons I don't really know.

Wax on...

Somtimes, God has allowed me to see an open door and has led me to walk toward it.  He has allowed me to invest my heart in dreams He's planted in my soul.  And some of those dreams have been met with what appears, from my limited perspective, to be a resounding slamming of doors.  

Wax off....

God has asked me to trust Him, even when it means being willing to close my eyes and jump out over the edge of my tiny little comfort zone.  Sometimes I have landed in the middle of a place more incredible than I could have imagined (like seeing the fulfillment of my dream of being a "housewife").  And other times, He's let me risk disappointment and put my heart on the line for something that has not turned out as planned, asking me to remember that He is the Lord of my life, and He causes all things to work together for my good. 

He's also asked me to let go of my grip on my dreams and be willing to open my hands to Him.  He's taught me that what I, in my human perspective, may have considered the end of a dream may very well be the redefining of a dream by the Lord, so it reflects HIS heart more than mine.  So I have to trust Him more.  So He will be more glorified in my life.   Because He is interested in accomplishing more things at once than I can really even imagine.  

I'm stepping back, at the beginning of a new year, and I'm looking at how the Lord has been refining my faith and my relationship with him.  I'm seeing some of the pieces fit together.  There is more of a connection.  I know He is preparing me still for work that is yet to be done, yet to be dreamed or understood.   He is often hard to understand.  Sometimes the training ground of faith is a series of seemingly aggravating growing experiences.  But God allows us to walk through these things, because He can see the culmination of all He's doing in our lives, and it is for our good and His glory. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  James 1:2-4